I’m am feeling so anxious today: heart beating fast, fidgety, indecisive, impulsive… when I feel this anxious I make the mistake of trying to erase the feeling through spending and instant gratification: today’s purchases are detailing the interior of my car and buying a new study Bible. Both can be considered to be responsible purchases… But I do not like the fact that spending is my coping mechanism for anxiety… it’s not a healthy habit, and it’s also temporary. Unnecessary even. I mean, I could have easily went to a gas station and spent $3.50 to vacuum the car myself, and I have Clorox wipes at home… I could’ve cleaned it out myself for way cheaper. Also, I have a study bible already, as well as an amazing Bible app that I use all the time with no problem… getting another Bible (that isn’t cheap by the way) isn’t necessary! My issue is that when I get anxious, I don’t turn to God (You) for relief… not immediately. I turn to material, external things that don’t succeed in easing my struggle fully or long term. I NEED TO TURN TO GOD AT THESE TIMES!!!
I’m so scared, and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m scared for what the future holds… is it Your will for my sister to give birth to an amazing, beautiful, healthy blessing (a baby)? Is it Your will for me to put SheeDiscovered to the side for a while longer while I answer the other blessed callings that has been placed in my life right now? Was halting my bachelor’s degree journey the right choice? What will the fate of my career with young children be because I stopped going to school?
But I’m pretty sure the biggest contributor to my anxiety is whether or not I’m pleasing God. Am I humble enough? Kind enough? Generous enough? Confident enough? Strong enough? Faithful enough? Am I following God’s purpose for me or am I just tricking myself into believing that my own personal desires are His purpose for me? Am I being the daughter, sister, granddaughter, cousin, niece, friend that you want me to be?
God I pray for your grace and mercy right now. Relieve me of this struggle by revealing to me the blessings and victories that are already here… and that are waiting for me in time (Your time). I pray that your love for me, protection over me, and your goodness is permanently tattooed on my heart and mind, so that I will never forget who You are and what You do for me. If it is not time for this anxiety to leave me, God I pray that you enable me to tap into the strength and grace that you blessed me with the moment I dedicated myself to You. Thank you Heavenly Father for keeping me, even through the struggle.
In Jesus’ name I humbly pray, AMEN.